the cold hard truth…

Every SINGLE day is a struggle.

Don’t upset anyone. Don’t push the envelope too much. Keep your feelings to yourself. Don’t let him see you cry. Don’t let the feelings bubble up.

Take the pill. Every morning. It’s the only chance of keeping yourself from going absolutely crazy.

Reach for the oils. Valor & Tranquil become my life rafts Each day I use them and they help me to create a sense of “it’s ok for now”.

It’s overwhelming sadness. It’s a feeling of unwelcome and not being good enough for this life I’ve been given. It’s the knowing that I have messed up so many times before-so what makes this time any different.

It’s a huge brick sitting on my chest and hot tears flowing down my cheeks.

Sometimes I can’t even bring myself to get out of bed. I’m lucky to get myself to work-those are the bad days. The days that I feel so weighed down by the utter heaviness of the feelings.

Sometimes I can get something done.

A load of laundry. Maybe get it folded too. Cook dinner for the family. Run the vacuum in the living room.

It doesn’t feel like enough.

The struggles are real…..

Am I good enough?

Am I going to make it?

Will I get through this?

Can WE survive it?

Will I be too much for him?

It’s a daily fight for me. And sometimes I don’t even know why I feel the way I do. But I know that I make it work. I let my feet touch the ground EVERY MORNING and I make sure the devil knows that for one more day I am here to fight.