Truth bomb moments

I am a product of my past.

And even though I have very much left that past-it has shaped me into who I am.

The good, the bad, and the ugly parts.


I spent the good portion of 5 years pretending that I was happy in order to not be considered a failure.

I was cheated on just two weeks into a relationship-but two days later I had welcomed her back into my life.

Want to talk about a HUGE red flag that I chose to simply ignore??

I proceeded to support her/us.  I bought her alcohol, I paid the bills, she worked some-but couldn’t seem to keep a job. I didn’t have a car-couldn’t afford one because I was paying the bills and providing the alcohol and the cigarettes. I was always taking care of something and if I ever started to admit to myself that it wasn’t good for me I found something else to take care of.



When I finally did decide it was time to walk away it took a LOT. I walked away 8 years ago.

Today while talking to someone I was given a revelation-we’ll just say that God spoke clearly through this person

I was codependent on a codependent relationship.

Wait what? Come again?

My ass was codependent on a codependent relationship.


“Codependency is a constellation of thoughts, emotions, and behaviors that profoundly affect the way the codependent person relates to others. People who are codependent define themselves and gain or lose their self-esteem based on the reaction and behavior of people they are in relationship with. This, in turn, leaves them vulnerable to being controlled by others.



Talk about a truth bomb.


My entire relationship was based on keeping things as kosher as I could for someone else so that I could be happy myself.  And all the while that person managed to kick me to my lowest most days-but I basically kept going back for more-I craved it.

(typing that makes me shudder)




That’s my past. That’s what has shaped me.


I’m now 7 years into a relationship that has basically saved me.

I love my husband. He is a remarkable symbol of grace and faith. He loves me-without a shadow of a doubt.


We have been fairly kosher for these first 7 years.  We have recently had to lean into our marriage and put some work in.

The devil was coming at us something fierce man.


The only way I knew how to get attention for those 5 years was to pick a fight. It actually makes me sick to my stomach to type that. To put weight behind that thought.   UGH.


I don’t have a good working knowledge of how to do this whole marriage thing the right way.  My husband bless him-I don’t think he knew what he signed up for.  I don’t think I fully realized how damaged I was.

It is my past.  I don’t like to live there.  I HATE dwelling on it.

but it is beginning to rear it’s ugly head.

I am a pro at sabotaging my own happiness.

I am realizing that I have so much of my own work to do.

Thank God my husband is a pro at seeing past my ugly parts.