Ever since I was a little girl all I have ever wanted was to become “mommy”. I never, ever thought to prepare myself for the “what if” moment of infertility. There was never a reason for me to believe that I would have trouble getting pregnant. I was a young, relatively healthy (I do like my soda and chocolate) adult who was ready to run the race!
I watched as countless friends got pregnant and became Mommy! I LOVED watching their pregnancies unfold on Facebook (thank you social media)! When Nyk and I got together, before we were even engaged, we discussed family and what each of us wanted. It was important for both of us to expand our family and bring that joy to one another as a married couple.
We got married in February 2014 and did not hesitate to wait to much longer before trying! I started upping my water intake and taking pre-natal vitamins as well as making walking a part of my daily routine.
- I took my temperature every single morning before my feet hit the floor
- I tracked every single day of my “cycle” on an app on my phone
- I took ovulation tests and we narrowed down our chances each month to just a day or two of trying
And each month-it was a disappointment. Each month we would wait those 14 days from possible insemination and get so so excited as we edged closer. Ask anyone who has been trying/tracking-you can technically test 5 days before your missed period-It was a STRUGGLE not to do that each month. Each negative test before my period actually arrived still gave me hope and if I was a day or two late….FORGET IT….I was dreaming up names (which we already had picked out of course)!!
And then…usually while Nyk was at work…I would get my period.
I would sob. I would yell at God. I would scream into my pillow.
And then I would sniffle my way out of my misery and open the app on my phone to record my start date and the whole cycle would start over again.
You can never prepare yourself for an entire year…12 FRICKIN months of negative pregnancy tests.
12 times of making sure that you were ovulating.
12 times of doing the BD (Baby Dance in the infertility world)
12 times of waiting for the fourteen days between BD and the arrival of your period.
12 times that you figured out what your due date would be-to be destroyed when you realized that it wouldn’t be a Christmas miracle, or born on so and so’s birthday, or born in May before it got too hot in FL.
I cried so many tears. Nyk was so supportive and also so frustrated. He wanted this for me. He wanted this for us. He couldn’t give this to me and I know it was not fun for him to watch me just disappear into a slight depression.
During this year that we struggled two of our God-babies were born. I was always cuddling and loving on those babies-most days they were all I needed to feel ok and some days-it was honestly hard to be around them. Where was my miracle??
I would get incredibly angry at God during those moments “How dare you make me feel anything but JOY around these babies? Why don’t I get to love on “my” baby? Where is the compassion for me? Why have you deserted me?”
It was so hard. so hard.
Please know that if you are struggling with this-reach out to someone. I found the kind hearts of so many people-near and far-both strangers and friends who have helped me through this struggle.
I found comfort in the following verse in the bible:
“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. “
Our journey would continue….