So for some of you this story is old news. For many others it is going to be new and possibly confusing. That’s ok. I was lost and confused at one point too. I’m sitting here typing this with two tiny bottles of emotional support-Joy & SARA. The first doesn’t take much explanations-the second is meant for processing emotions. There will be lots of processed emotions in this post…lots.
On February 28th, 2014 I got to marry the most amazing person ever-her name was Nikki. She turned my whole world upside down when I met her and was able to show me how it was to really be loved. I walked down the aisle to her surrounded by people who loved us to the following chorus from 1000 Years by Christina Perri-
“Darling, don’t be afraid
I have loved you
For a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more
And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more”
Every single word resonated with me, I fully believed that God had brought us together-I had no idea that just under two years later it would all be tested.
… … … …
In October 2015 we were driving through Jacksonville one evening and chatting about random stuff when Nikki said something that would change our lives forever.
“I haven’t been true to myself for a long time, and I finally feel like I can be honest with myself and with you.”
My mind went racing-every single part of my body starting to prepare for flight or fight. My heart started beating so fast and somewhere in the back of my brain I started thinking of every single thing that could possibly come next. In a matter of a few seconds I had created too many scenarios to even count.
Probably because my brain had dived off the deep end I can’t remember what exactly was said next so the following won’t be quoted.
I’ve never felt comfortable in my body. I have always felt like I was living a lie-but I have never been comfortable with the person I am with to share it. I love you and I am thankful to be able to share my true self. I’ve been stuck in this body-I am transgender. I want to become the real me.
I cried tears of relief that my marriage wasn’t ending.
I cried tears of grief-I knew our lives would be changing in many ways.
I cried tears of unknowing-could I support the person I loved as they made these changes.
And while I cried-my heart swelled. I knew-thinking back on that song from our wedding day that I would love HIM for a thousand years more. I knew it would be difficult. There would be pain. There would be change. There would be unknowns.
But I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I loved the person sitting next to me and that I would do whatever was needed.
**be warned-name change/pronoun change from here on out**
We had been together for 3 years. I had been effectively lied to for 3 years. Although my heart never faltered-I didn’t always act with grace.
I stood by Nyk while he told everyone important in his life about this transition. We were met with nothing but love and understanding.
I struggled myself through issues of my own identity, issues about what would come in the future, what all these changes would do.
I had the best support in the world-from Nyk. He understood that while he was transitioning so was I.
I was losing my wife. I was losing the person I had fallen in love with. I was losing what we had started together.
But since that fateful moment in 2015 we have built a strong foundation on what was already a great cornerstone. When we triumph it is together and when we struggle it is with each other by our side.
And so this is the story of how my wife introduced me to my husband and I couldn’t be more thankful to Nikki for introducing me to Nyk because I have never seen someone so true to themselves since that day in October.