Truth bomb moments

I am a product of my past.

And even though I have very much left that past-it has shaped me into who I am.

The good, the bad, and the ugly parts.


I spent the good portion of 5 years pretending that I was happy in order to not be considered a failure.

I was cheated on just two weeks into a relationship-but two days later I had welcomed her back into my life.

Want to talk about a HUGE red flag that I chose to simply ignore??

I proceeded to support her/us.  I bought her alcohol, I paid the bills, she worked some-but couldn’t seem to keep a job. I didn’t have a car-couldn’t afford one because I was paying the bills and providing the alcohol and the cigarettes. I was always taking care of something and if I ever started to admit to myself that it wasn’t good for me I found something else to take care of.



When I finally did decide it was time to walk away it took a LOT. I walked away 8 years ago.

Today while talking to someone I was given a revelation-we’ll just say that God spoke clearly through this person

I was codependent on a codependent relationship.

Wait what? Come again?

My ass was codependent on a codependent relationship.


“Codependency is a constellation of thoughts, emotions, and behaviors that profoundly affect the way the codependent person relates to others. People who are codependent define themselves and gain or lose their self-esteem based on the reaction and behavior of people they are in relationship with. This, in turn, leaves them vulnerable to being controlled by others.



Talk about a truth bomb.


My entire relationship was based on keeping things as kosher as I could for someone else so that I could be happy myself.  And all the while that person managed to kick me to my lowest most days-but I basically kept going back for more-I craved it.

(typing that makes me shudder)




That’s my past. That’s what has shaped me.


I’m now 7 years into a relationship that has basically saved me.

I love my husband. He is a remarkable symbol of grace and faith. He loves me-without a shadow of a doubt.


We have been fairly kosher for these first 7 years.  We have recently had to lean into our marriage and put some work in.

The devil was coming at us something fierce man.


The only way I knew how to get attention for those 5 years was to pick a fight. It actually makes me sick to my stomach to type that. To put weight behind that thought.   UGH.


I don’t have a good working knowledge of how to do this whole marriage thing the right way.  My husband bless him-I don’t think he knew what he signed up for.  I don’t think I fully realized how damaged I was.

It is my past.  I don’t like to live there.  I HATE dwelling on it.

but it is beginning to rear it’s ugly head.

I am a pro at sabotaging my own happiness.

I am realizing that I have so much of my own work to do.

Thank God my husband is a pro at seeing past my ugly parts.

The time my wife introduced me to my husband…

So for some of you this story is old news. For many others it is going to be new and possibly confusing. That’s ok. I was lost and confused at one point too. I’m sitting here typing this with two tiny bottles of emotional support-Joy & SARA. The first doesn’t take much explanations-the second is meant for processing emotions. There will be lots of processed emotions in this post…lots.

On February 28th, 2014 I got to marry the most amazing person ever-her name was Nikki. She turned my whole world upside down when I met her and was able to show me how it was to really be loved.  I walked down the aisle to her surrounded by people who loved us to the following chorus from 1000 Years by Christina Perri-

“Darling, don’t be afraid
I have loved you
For a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more
And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more”

Every single word resonated with me, I fully believed that God had brought us together-I had no idea that just under two years later it would all be tested.

… … … …


In October 2015 we were driving through Jacksonville one evening and chatting about random stuff when Nikki said something that would change our lives forever.

“I haven’t been true to myself for a long time, and I finally feel like I can be honest with myself and with you.”

My mind went racing-every single part of my body starting to prepare for flight or fight.  My heart started beating so fast and somewhere in the back of my brain I started thinking of every single thing that could possibly come next.  In a matter of a few seconds I had created too many scenarios to even count.

Probably because my brain had dived off the deep end I can’t remember what exactly was said next so the following won’t be quoted.

I’ve never felt comfortable in my body.  I have always felt like I was living a lie-but I have never been comfortable with the person I am with to share it.  I love you and I am thankful to be able to share my true self.  I’ve been stuck in this body-I am transgender.  I want to become the real me.


I cried.

I cried tears of relief that my marriage wasn’t ending.

I cried tears of grief-I knew our lives would be changing in many ways.

I cried tears of unknowing-could I support the person I loved as they made these changes.

And while I cried-my heart swelled.  I knew-thinking back on that song from our wedding day that I would love HIM for a thousand years more.  I knew it would be difficult.  There would be pain. There would be change.  There would be unknowns.

But I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I loved the person sitting next to me and that I would do whatever  was needed.

**be warned-name change/pronoun change from here on out**

We had been together for 3 years.  I had been effectively lied to for 3 years.  Although my heart never faltered-I didn’t always act with grace.

I stood by Nyk while he told everyone important in his life about this transition.  We were met with nothing but love and understanding.

I struggled myself through issues of my own identity, issues about what would come in the future, what all these changes would do.

I had the best support in the world-from Nyk.  He understood that while he was transitioning so was I.

I was losing my wife.  I was losing the person I had fallen in love with.  I was losing what we had started together.


But since that fateful moment in 2015 we have built a strong foundation on what was already a great cornerstone. When we triumph it is together and when we struggle it is with each other by our side.

And so this is the story of how my wife introduced me to my husband and I couldn’t be more thankful to Nikki for introducing me to Nyk because I have never seen someone so true to themselves since that day in October.