I am a product of my past.
And even though I have very much left that past-it has shaped me into who I am.
The good, the bad, and the ugly parts.
I spent the good portion of 5 years pretending that I was happy in order to not be considered a failure.
I was cheated on just two weeks into a relationship-but two days later I had welcomed her back into my life.
Want to talk about a HUGE red flag that I chose to simply ignore??
I proceeded to support her/us. I bought her alcohol, I paid the bills, she worked some-but couldn’t seem to keep a job. I didn’t have a car-couldn’t afford one because I was paying the bills and providing the alcohol and the cigarettes. I was always taking care of something and if I ever started to admit to myself that it wasn’t good for me I found something else to take care of.
FOR 5 YEARS PEOPLE.
5 YEARS. UGH.
When I finally did decide it was time to walk away it took a LOT. I walked away 8 years ago.
Today while talking to someone I was given a revelation-we’ll just say that God spoke clearly through this person
I was codependent on a codependent relationship.
Wait what? Come again?
My ass was codependent on a codependent relationship.
“Codependency is a constellation of thoughts, emotions, and behaviors that profoundly affect the way the codependent person relates to others. People who are codependent define themselves and gain or lose their self-esteem based on the reaction and behavior of people they are in relationship with. This, in turn, leaves them vulnerable to being controlled by others.“
Talk about a truth bomb.
My entire relationship was based on keeping things as kosher as I could for someone else so that I could be happy myself. And all the while that person managed to kick me to my lowest most days-but I basically kept going back for more-I craved it.
(typing that makes me shudder)
That’s my past. That’s what has shaped me.
I’m now 7 years into a relationship that has basically saved me.
I love my husband. He is a remarkable symbol of grace and faith. He loves me-without a shadow of a doubt.
We have been fairly kosher for these first 7 years. We have recently had to lean into our marriage and put some work in.
The devil was coming at us something fierce man.
The only way I knew how to get attention for those 5 years was to pick a fight. It actually makes me sick to my stomach to type that. To put weight behind that thought. UGH.
I don’t have a good working knowledge of how to do this whole marriage thing the right way. My husband bless him-I don’t think he knew what he signed up for. I don’t think I fully realized how damaged I was.
It is my past. I don’t like to live there. I HATE dwelling on it.
but it is beginning to rear it’s ugly head.
I am a pro at sabotaging my own happiness.
I am realizing that I have so much of my own work to do.
Thank God my husband is a pro at seeing past my ugly parts.